HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ


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Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. It must be pretty boring being God. Imagine spending 10, years playing the same Sid Meier game and none of your dudes will cooperate with your orders. Amidst all the moral lessons and dubious historical accounts, the Bible is chock-full of examples of God just messing with people, apparently for shits and giggles. For example The Book of Ezekiel is about a conversation between God and the priest Ezekiel, mostly about why God is going to destroy Jerusalem spoiler: because they're a bunch of assholes.

Ezekiel is supposed to go to the city and tell them about it, but God doesn't really expect them to listen remember: assholes. To make things fun, there's a catch: Ezekiel can't just tell them God's plan. Instead, he takes away Ezekiel's ability to speak, and then forces him to communicate the message through an elaborate game of charades. Fuckin' with us. First, God gives Ezekiel a scroll and tells him to eat it.

Kizhi Monastery "Can I get some ketchup? OK, that's not the weirdest thing God has ever told someone to do. Plus it tastes like honey. So far, so good. Then God tells Zeke to construct a little scale model of Jerusalem out of clay, and stomp the crap out of it like a bully wrecking a sand castle.

This is, we guess, the less subtle part of the prophecy. Then God just wants to see how far he will go. He tells Ezekiel to lie down on his left side and stay there for days. Then he's allowed to roll over -- presumably with one hell of a cramp and a bad case of bed sores -- but he has to lie on his right side for another 40 days, pointing at the squashed remains of the Jerusalem model the whole time so that people really get the message.

Gustave Dore Future artists would be less subtle. God, snickering, just cannot believe he's doing all this, so he really ups the game: The entire time, Ezekiel is allowed to eat nothing but bread that he cooked on a bonfire of human poop. This is the part of the prank show where most victims would start looking around for hidden cameras, but not Ezekiel.

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He just stoically bargains God down to cow poop instead and mistakenly calls it a victory. At various points, the Bible dictates that children who disobey their parents should be executed , while those who mock their parents should merely get their eyes plucked out. At one point, kids who laugh at a prophet for being bald get eaten by bears.

Oh, that doesn't mean God really, really wants children to be good. He just hates kids. And you, for having kids.

In fact, fuck you buddy, eat your kids. Wiki Commons If there are any left after the bears get through with them, obviously. Seriously, God makes that threat a lot. In Leviticus, he warns the people of Israel that if they fail to obey his laws , he will strike them down with famine and disease until "You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters. In the Book of Jeremiah, God warns the Israelites to cut out all the false idol worship, and if they don't, they're going to lead an unfulfilling spiritual life. Oh wait, no -- eat your kids. And after they're done, he'll make them eat their friends too.

Rembrandt van Rijn At least Jer's got some nice fancy plates to eat them off of. The threat even turns up in Ezekiel, as part of the prophet's rant against Jerusalem. Here, God promises that not only will fathers be forced to eat their children, but the children will also eat their fathers. We don't even know how that's supposed to work, or in what order. Like a That's messed up, God. Moses' brother Aaron had two sons, Nadab and Abihu. They appear only briefly in Leviticus, when Moses is showing the priests how to priest properly.

Following the rules prescribed by God, Aaron slaughters some animals, cuts off the bits he's supposed to cut off, lays the offerings down on the altar in the correct way, lights up some incense, and waits. God approves of the ritual and makes a big light show to tell Aaron that he did well, and all the priests celebrate a job well done. Next, Nadab and Abihu do the exact same thing. Only this time, God instantly incinerates the brothers in a furious hellstorm right in front of their horrified father.

Providence Lithograph Co. Now, there's been a lot of debate among scholars about what exactly Nadab and Abihu did wrong. Some have suggested that they used the wrong incense "Is that the pine bullshit? Nobody likes that pine bullshit! Either way, Moses puts his arm around Aaron and basically tells him, "Yeah, your kids explode sometimes. C'est la vie! Aaron's surviving children and nephews then have to bury the dead brothers, but Moses warns them to be doubly careful, because if they make God any angrier by complaining or even not combing their hair properly, he'll probably kill everyone in Israel.

Well, you've guided all your Sims to the pool and then removed the ladder. You know why. Exodus: Moses wants to free the Israelites from Egypt, but the Pharaoh won't let them go, so God sends ten horrible plagues against the Egyptians to show them who's boss. After each plague, the Pharaoh remains stubborn, so God has to step it up a notch, over and over again, until he's finally just straight-up killing babies.

Pietro Paoletti It was a tossup between that and kicking puppies down the stairs. The Pharaoh and the Egyptians are obviously the bad guys here and deserve everything that's coming to them -- unless you consider that, according to the Bible itself, the Pharaoh did not restrain the Israelites by his own free will. Every time God threw frogs or locusts or bees at him bees were one of the plagues, right? After each passage that describes one of the plagues, the Bible says , "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart. Even after Pharaoh finally releases the people and sends them out toward the Red Sea, God makes him change his mind again and send his army out to pursue them to a watery grave.

Though he's always painted as the villain, the Pharaoh didn't really have any say in the matter from the beginning. Abu Simbel It's OK; he made himself a bunch of statues to feel better. Biblical scholars have argued about why God would directly intervene in the Pharaoh's free will to constantly force him to defy God's own wishes, and the best response that they can give is that God just wanted to prove his power to everyone.

The stories. The conditioning. The things that weigh on us everyday. Stripping this away and getting down to our spiritual essence is part of our individual and collective awakening. Her busyness.


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The pain at seeing her old body slip away. The abuse she endured perhaps. From the moment you were the size of a pea in the womb you began to be clothed in layers. Your spiritual essence began to be shrouded. When popped out you inherited a specific culture. Why did it not look the way it was supposed to? People were mean at school.

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Boys touched you. So you put on some more layers. You hid yourself. You were too weird. Too much. Too sexy. Too fat. Perhaps there were traumas. Date rape. An eating disorder.

Absolute chronology

Health issues. Things that forced you deeper into hiding.

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And now here you are today—wearing enough layers to survive an antarctic freeze of the soul! True healing? The ultimate liberation? Learning how to peel them back, one by one, until you are bare. Below are my tried and true tips for freeing yourself from those layers and living in alignment with your spiritual essence …. To learn to FEEL more, breathe into your belly all day.

HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ
HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ
HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ
HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ
HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ
HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ HOLY F*CK: The Life and Times of Jesus Christ

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